Parent to parent: The temptation to fix things

Quick, name three things your son or daughter fears most.

Was one of your answers "me?" No, not the "me" who does the laundry when he or she comes home. Not the "me" who asks, "Who wants to go out for dinner?"

I'm talking about that other parent, the one who can't let a conversation pass without an interrogation about study habits. The one who offers "advice," but then insists that there is no choice but to follow it.

That person. The one who can't resist a chance to meddle.

Resist the temptation

It's a given that most of us parents know a bit more than our offspring about navigating the stormy straits of life. So, from time to time, we're tempted to fix things.

My advice: resist that urge. Offer your wisdom and make suggestions, but don't ride in like the 7th Cavalry.

There are exceptions, of course. But if you're always the rescuer, your son or daughter won't learn much about problem-solving. What's more, the thorniest challenges typically defy quick-fix solutions -- meaning that you might not be able to provide much help, despite your best intentions.

Guide your student

Take roommate trouble.

Almost everyone who shares a dorm room or an off-campus dwelling will tangle with a roommate at one time or another.

There are roommates who party too much. Roommates who snore too loudly. Roommates who drink other people's soda and eat other people's peanut butter.

It may seem like there is an easy solution: change roommates. But often, that isn't practical because of lease arrangements, or because there isn't another person handy to trade places. And there is also the chance that you will be switching one roommate problem for another.

So the solution, like so many other things in life, becomes a process -- a series of small steps that might start with a conversation that lays out the problem and gradually works toward an agreement.

Guiding your son or daughter through this kind of process can be invaluable. Your student is working to solve problems but knows you're on the same side -- and that sort of moral support may help provide the confidence needed to see the matter through until it is solved.

A time to get involved

None of this, however, is to suggest that you should never step in.

I know a mother whose son was having a conflict with another student of a potentially serious nature. I won't get into the details here, but as you can well imagine, there are people out there whose actions jeopardize the health and safety of others.

In this case, the mother didn't step in directly. Instead, she gave her son a firm deadline to bring the issue to the attention of campus authorities and get the matter resolved.

He did, and the episode ended well. He also gained valuable experience in solving a problem, and he learned that sometimes you do need to bring in outsiders, much as you may hate to do that.

Part of the problem?

There's another important point to mention on this topic.

While it can be hard for us to step back and let our students handle things, sometimes it's even harder for us to see our own kids as being part of the problem.

But being able to do that -- and helping them see how their own actions can cause difficulties -- is another way we can provide valuable help.

It may be that a dull professor or an incomprehensible textbook is to blame for that "C" in psychology, for example. But it could be that the real culprit is poor study habits or missing assignments.

In that low-key, question-asking way, help your students to at least examine their own potential role in the problems they confront and the trouble that comes their way.

Chances are they won't do it on their own, and their friends won't either. But we're the parents. Doing the dirty work comes with the territory.