Parent to parent: Detours still get them places

Right about now, I was supposed to be on a plane to Missouri to attend my elder daughter’s graduation. But she had a few last-minute hitches in getting her master’s degree, and that plane ride has been put off until May.

Our son, meanwhile, is rethinking his plans after graduation. And our younger daughter, given the state budget crisis, is just hoping to gain admittance to a public university. As they adapt to changing circumstances, we're learning that we must, too.

For many parents, the detours our kids take on their road to diplomas can be frustrating and hard to accept. From our rearview mirrors, college seems so simple: pick a major, take the courses, get good grades, graduate and get a job.

When it doesn't quite go that way, our first impulse may not be helpful. Perhaps you've already found yourself saying words along these lines:

What do you mean you won't graduate in four years?

You're changing majors again?

Academic probation? That doesn't sound good!

Why do you want to transfer to another college?

What do you mean you won't graduate in five years?

Doesn't sound familiar? Give it time.

Doing it for themselves

For those who have experienced such exchanges, or can readily imagine them, it's helpful to keep in mind that there's really not much we can do about it anyway. As frustrating as it can be, we can no sooner chart our student's academic progress than we can take his or her tests. Nor would we want to.

A vital part of the learning process is doing it for yourself and learning from your mistakes. This was brought home to me a few weeks ago, when I helped out on a rock-climbing expedition for a local youth group.

One of the dads, an experienced climber relatively new to the group, assumed the role of belaying all the kids as they rappelled over a modest cliff — that is, keeping a grip on a safety rope in the event the rappeller should lose control. It was great to see him pitch in, except for one thing: The older kids are the ones who are supposed to be doing the belaying.

They may not be as skilled, or as experienced, and they make a mistake from time to time. But that's how they learn — not by watching, but by getting their own hands on the rope and doing it themselves. The adults are supposed to stand by, observing the activities closely, but not stepping in unless safety is compromised.

‘The great reward’

This system means there may be a rare moment of "whoops!" now and then. But that is overshadowed by the great reward of watching young men and women bloom into maturity. The best is when an adult acquaintance tells you something wonderful about your son or daughter, for something in which you had no part whatsoever. That's when you know you've done your job.

So when the winds of academia shift, shift with them. Often it's simply for the better.

As I check tomorrow's forecast for Missouri, it looks like there will be a snowstorm and a low of 23 degrees. Here in Southern California, it's sunny and in the 70s. Who would want to get on a plane now, anyway?