February 2004

Up for discussion: Unhealthy dating relationships

	Keep lines of communication open, says Patricia Litsey of the Campus Violence Prevention Program. (Debbie Aldridge/UC Davis)

Many people look back at their college romances as some of the most intense in their lives. But how do you know if your student's relationship has gone beyond intense to become unhealthy?

"One of the major things I tell people is that if you feel (your student) is having difficulties, your instincts are probably right," says Patricia Litsey of the UC Davis Campus Violence Prevention Program.

It's estimated that 20 to 30 percent of college dating relationships have included incidents of both verbal and physical abuse, she says.

Talking to your child about what constitutes a healthy relationship -- communication, mutual respect, trust, honesty, equality and a focus on maintaining separate identities -- is a first step.

Acts of control

Litsey says unhealthy relationships can come in many forms. While physical abuse is the most recognizable, there are other forms of abuse that may not be as easy to detect. Many are acts of control. The person may stalk his or her partner by following them, calling or e-mailing excessively, or, as is increasingly common, constantly instant messaging the person.

Your first reaction to this type of activity is likely to be anger, but Litsey advises against criticizing your student's partner or blaming your student for allowing the abuse.

Trying to stop your child from seeing his or her abuser or reporting that person to the police can be counterproductive, Litsey says. Your child may secretly keep seeing the person or stop talking to you openly about the problem.

Keep communication lines open

"You don't want to turn off your child's ability to come to you. You want to keep the lines of communication open," she says.

Here's how:

• Be encouraging and supportive.
• Let your child know that abusive behavior is unacceptable, that no one has the right to abuse him or her, and that he or she is not at fault.
• Let your child know you are concerned about his or her safety.
• Try not to tell your child what to do.
• Think carefully and listen to your child before deciding to take action yourself.
• Contact a local domestic violence program to find out what options are available to you or your child.
• Offer to accompany your child to a counselor or contact one for yourself to provide support during this difficult time.

The Campus Violence Prevention Program is available for emergency help and can provide resources for students and their parents.

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