February 2005

Parent to parent: When a grandparent dies

By Mom Marion

When I taught English composition at UC Davis, every year brought me at least one lackadaisical student with a ski-goggle tan who, solemn-faced, informed me that his paper was late because his grandma just died.

No matter how suspicious I felt, I always accepted the excuse. This was because I knew that even slacker students had grandparents who might die. And the death of a grandparent can be a terrible loss for a young person.

It happened in my own family just three weeks ago.

The grandma who died was my stepmother. She was not a blood relative, but to my college-age children she was "Grandma" and they loved her.

Even though the funeral was 3,000 miles away and college was in session, my daughter, 22, and my son, 19, wanted to go.

Arranging for an absence

I have learned never to underestimate a child's need to be part of the family, even when living far away. So when my children wanted to attend the funeral, I said yes. My daughter, the graduate student, swiftly contacted professors and set up plans to make up work.

My son, the sophomore, was much less confident. He was reluctant to call or e-mail his professors, and he didn't want to mention his grandmother. Instead, he carried a huge stack of books onto the plane.

What students should do

Professors are far more understanding than students imagine. Emil Rodolfo, director of UC Davis' Counseling and Psychological Services and a licensed psychologist, says that UC Davis professors have an excellent track record of responding to students' emotional needs, as well as their academic ones.

As a parent, you can help your student bridge the gap.

If your family experiences a death, encourage your children to talk to professors and tell them what they need, such as an extension or a grade of incomplete.

Yes, a few slacker students have grandmas with nine lives, but instructors know that most young people don't lie about a death. The loss of a grandparent can mean that your student needs a break and time with family. Let the university help, not get in the way.

Newspaper columnist Marion Franck is the mother of a first-year graduate student and a college sophomore. She has worked with UC Davis students as a lecturer.

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