March 2004

Up for discussion: When there's trouble at home

A family crisis never comes at a good time when everyone is prepared to meet it. Instead, the disruption comes at an inconvenient time, such as when one of the children is away in college. A grandparent falls ill or dies. A younger sibling gets into trouble. The parents, after years of struggle, decide to divorce.

When this kind of event happens, parents face tough decisions about how to tell their college student and what to expect of him or her.

Informing and involving your student

"Every situation is different because every family is different," says Arnold De La Cruz, a psychologist at the Counseling Center, "but, in general, students want to know what's going on at home. They want to be brought into the discussion, and they can handle more than we think."

On the other hand, De La Cruz has witnessed situations where parents rely too heavily on the college student, usually because he or she is bright and eager to help. For example, some immigrant families may call on the student to translate. Or families with a troubled younger child may ask the college student to bring his or her sibling around. Suddenly, the college student is traveling home every weekend or on the phone every night trying to take care of what is a parental function.

Something has to give, often the student's grades and general well-being.

De La Cruz sees these young people in counseling. "I try to set boundaries for them," he explains. "I say, 'Look, you can probably do more for your family by getting an education than if you drop out of school and go home.'"

Ways to reduce the pressure

De La Cruz worries less about students who seek counseling than he does about those who push on alone. But for both kinds of students, the university offers several ways to reduce pressure.

• Support groups. The Health Promotion and Education program, for example, can help students find support to cope with family crises from cancer to alcohol abuse.
• Dropping classes. With special permission, course load can be reduced, even after the deadline for dropping a class.
• "Incomplete" grades. A student with passing grades on a substantial amount of work for a class can ask for a grade of "incomplete" and finish later.
• Planned Educational Leave. A student can leave the university temporarily without penalty but must apply within the first 10 days of the quarter.
• Withdrawal. This can be done at any time, with fees returned on a pro-rated schedule until the sixth week of the quarter.

Campus procedures alone will not remedy the problem because crisis -- by its nature -- creates hard times. Ideally, parents will be able to handle the situation at home, while treating the student as a young adult who needs to hear information and make his or her own decisions. If the student needs time off, university procedures are in place to help out.

This article was first published in the February 2003 issue of the Aggie Family Pack newsletter.

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