Parent to parent: Adjusting to the ‘comeback kid’

By Jeff Hudson

The terms “boomerang boy” and “comeback kid” embody a current social trend: a son or daughter who has gone away to school and then moves back in with his or her parents. Last summer, my son Stephen became one, and I’ve been learning about making adjustments.

Stephen, a third-year student at UC Davis, gave up his apartment in South Davis and moved back into our family home, also in Davis. It was a decision made for some of the usual reasons. Stephen’s part-time job had been eliminated, and, without that income, it was hard for him to make his rent. While living in his shared apartment, he’d also developed the bad habit of staying up until all hours, sleeping late and missing class — something that didn’t help his grades. There was also the matter of rising tuition and fees — I could cope with those, but I couldn’t subsidize his rent, too.

Stephen also had an additional reason for moving back in with Mom and Dad. The UC Davis Symphony Orchestra is planning a tour to Spain in 2012. Stephen, who plays in the symphony, is keen to make that trip, and he’ll need to save money to do it.

Given the current recession, which has lingered longer than any downturn since the Great Depression, I can’t help recalling the experience of my late grandparents back in the 1930s. They lived at home well past their 21st birthdays and postponed marriage because they didn’t have the income to set up housekeeping on their own.

So I’ve tried to keep that family history in mind as I’ve adjusted to having Stephen, 21, back under our roof this year.

Living ‘in synch’

The biggest issue for us, really, has been living “in synch.” I usually wake up around 5:30 or 6 a.m. My wife, who is an elementary school teacher, comes out of the bedroom as I’m pouring the coffee. Stephen’s brother, Andrew, is a community college student and catches a bus at 7:30 or 8:30 a.m., depending on the day.

Stephen, however, has orchestra and chamber music rehearsals that keep him out past 10 p.m. several nights a week. We’ve had a few late-night discussions, when I wake up after midnight and find Stephen reading the newspaper at the kitchen table and enjoying a late-night snack.

Typically, I offer a gentle suggestion that he should get to bed, since I know he has some 10 a.m. classes. Stephen generally agrees that sleep is a good idea, but the light in his room sometimes stays on until 2 a.m. The next morning, he can be a tad grouchy if he’s jogged out of sleep by the noise of Dad putting away the clean dishes or starting the laundry at 6:30 a.m.

Other adjustments

I’ve spoken with several parents who’ve had kids move back in after they finished college. Some worked out a handshake agreement with the grown-up son or daughter about how many friends they should invite over, and when. Some parents charged their offspring a token rent. I haven’t done that with Stephen or Andrew, because they’re both full-time students and I want them to focus on their studies.

There’s also the matter of significant others. I haven’t had to deal with this one very much — Stephen’s special someone is in France for the duration of the academic year; his late-night hours are partly related to their long conversations via Skype. But parents I know who are in similar situations typically work out some kind of mutual understanding with their college-age kids.

It won’t last forever

I offer no magic solutions to parents and students who find themselves living together again. But I do know it helps when both try to sustain a sense of goodwill, along with an awareness that you’re both going through a phase of life that won’t last forever. And you do want to deal with your comeback kid in a low-key way, speaking as adult to adult, even though it isn’t easy to let the “parent thing” go at times.

I try to keep in mind that Stephen’s financial situation will eventually improve to the point where he’ll move into his own place again someday. He’ll also graduate from UC Davis — but of course, tuition will give way to car payments, and work will take him who-knows-where. And at that point, I’ll miss the sound of him practicing his cello in the garage at home.