June 2006

Up for discussion: Avoiding the homecoming blues

Katie Donovan, a third-year psychology major from San Ramon, said her first summer home from college was tough. (Karin Higgins/UC Davis)

Summer is nearly here and along with finalizing vacation plans, you also may be preparing to welcome your college student back home for the next few months.

While this time can be exciting as you anticipate spending quality time together, it can also be a stressful period of readjustment for all members of the family.

“Significant change occurs when the student is away from home -- both in the student’s life and that of the family,” says Naomi Sakai, a clinical social worker with Counseling and Psychological Services. “Parents need to consider the development of their student and renegotiate expectations they may have of their students.”

Flexibility necessary

After nine months away at school, your student may have a difficult time readjusting to the rhythms of your household. Many students become accustomed to staying up late, studying or hanging out with friends. For months, they lived without a curfew and enjoyed the freedom to come and go as they pleased.

If you expect house rules or a curfew to be respected by your student, Sakai suggests maintaining an open dialogue. Some flexibility is necessary for both parent and student to work together to alleviate stress and enjoy this time as much as possible.

Katie Donovan, a third year psychology major from San Ramon, says the first summer home was the toughest.

“I was used to being on my own, taking care of myself, shopping for what I wanted at the grocery store, and paying my bills,” she says. Returning home that summer, “I would get irritated because they always wanted to know what was happening with me.”

In addition to emotional space and independence, your student needs a physical space. Maybe you’ve converted the unused bedroom into an office, a craft room, or simply the junk repository. Sakai suggests planning in advance where your student will stay so you can help create a space that is a welcome retreat. Families and students can feel displaced during this transition period and it’s important that everyone still has personal space.

Friends and family

Students also may experience emotional stress when coming back home because they are leaving a close circle of friendships. Leaving their new “family” behind for several months can be tough. Don’t take it personally if your student seems to spend more time talking, e-mailing and hanging out with their friends than family. Set aside special family time like barbeques or camping trips -- or even an occasional family meal -- to reconnect with your student and enjoy the moment.

A little communication goes a long way, Donovan says. Once she realized her mom and dad were just being concerned parents, the summer transitions became easier.

“I love my parents.” Donovan says. “But by the time summer is over, I usually can’t wait to get back to school.”

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