September 2003

Parent to parent: Standing at the edge

By Mom Marion

Only three short years ago I was a parent whose first child was going away to college. This year I am a parent whose second (and last) child is leaving. I'm standing in front of the pool again, about to be thrown in, wondering how it will feel this time.

When my first child left for college, I had two gigantic worries. How will she do? How will I do? This time my worry has narrowed: How will I do?

If that sounds dreadfully self-centered, let me explain.

I felt shaken to the core when my daughter left home. Although some teens spend the summer before college creating the same upheaval in the family as they do in their rooms, she wasn't like that. She was sweet and winsome, scared and eager, more lovable than ever because we were about to lose her.

First day on campus

I flew to college with her and spent move-in day following her around.

As each new thing happened -- meeting the roommate, eating at the cafeteria, shaking the hand of a professor -- I asked myself, "Is this good enough?" "Will this person or this food or this place hold my precious daughter as I have tried for so long?"

And I would turn to my daughter, look at her and wonder, "Is she strong enough? Is she ready? Have I done my best?"

When I got home, I asked myself another question: "Will I ever adjust to an absence that feels as if I am missing a limb?"

Amazingly, the answer to all of these questions turned out to be yes, although it took a while to regain equilibrium. My daughter's first year was rocky, because she missed her boyfriend, and my first few months were too. My son, the child remaining at home, probably felt the weight of my need.

Finally, though, the new family configuration felt natural, like a car you get used to, though you couldn't even find the turn signal at first.

Next departure is not a repeat

Now I anticipate the second departure. Even though my son is also young and inexperienced, I'm not worried about him. I feel much like parent Lucy Keener of Castro Valley, whom I met at Summer Advising. Her second child, Rachel, starts at UC Davis this fall.

"I don't feel so stressed," she told me. "I'm not in a panic about what will happen if my daughter doesn't get all her classes. I don't have a sense of urgency. I have a sense of peace. I know it all works out."

She's right. In most cases, it does all work out for the college student.

What about the parent? What about that empty nest? Is it true, what they say, that a new life begins?

Here I am, standing next to the pool, wondering if the water is as warm as everyone says. My husband smiles and flashes travel brochures. I think of my home and imagine the new neatness that will invade my son's room, and also the quiet.

I'm uncertain, a little scared, but pretty excited too.

In other words, I feel like a freshman.

Newspaper columnist Marion Franck is the mother of two college students, a freshman and a senior. She has worked with UC Davis students as a lecturer.

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