September 2004

Parent to parent: How involved should we be?

By Mom Marion

Every time one of my children heads back to college, I get ready for a big shift in my life. I'll have more time, but my home will be one person emptier, and my heart will feel divided -- part of it here where it always was, and part far away in a college town.

Soon a big question will arise in my mind: How involved should I be in the life of the child who is at college?

In the old days -- until about five years ago -- the answer was easy. Parents sent their kids off to college, and colleges communicated clearly to the parents that they should let go. This was presented as the healthy thing to do, because young adults need to learn to handle things on their own.

Parents were invited to write or phone their children, but few expected to help decide about classes, to meet coaches or employers, or to call the housing office when something went wrong in the residence hall.

A shift begins

In recent years, however, phones began ringing and e-mail flew back and forth, not only between students and parents, but also between parents and universities. Parents wanted to be more involved. At first, staff at universities responded by repeating the old message, as gently as possible, "Parents, please back off."

Until a second phenomenon was discovered.

Many students didn't want their parents to back off. My own daughter told me, two months into her freshman year, that I wasn't calling often enough. Many of today's students enjoy chatting with parents about roommates, friends or classes. Some even tell their parents about parties. When something goes wrong, many students turn first to their parents.

Because students welcome more parent contact, universities do, too.

I have talked with dozens of UC Davis staff members, at places like dean's offices or Counseling and Psychological Services, who don't mind if parents call with questions. Privacy law often prevents them from discussing a specific student, but they're happy to offer the kind of general information that reassures parents and helps them know what to say to their child.

Colleges also help parents find information online. The UC Davis Web site is parent-friendly, answering questions about housing, computers, and whether or not your student can lease a horse (yes!).

A question remains

Even though it's easier for parents to communicate, how much communicating should they do -- especially with their children?

My daughter wants frequent contact, but my son feels that once-a-week phone calls and occasional e-mails are more than enough. When his college invited parents to attend classes, he asked me not to come. When he fell ill, the last thing he wanted was for me to phone the campus health service.

These, then, are the uncharted waters for parents in September. Do you wade into the college experience with your children? Do you watch from a towel on the beach? Or do you simply drop them off and pick them up, after they've swum or sunk all on their own?

The university won't tell us what to do; it's open both to parents who get involved and to parents who keep their distance. It's the views of my own children that matter, so I need to observe carefully, to figure out what they want from me.

Like a parent standing outside the nursery, my job is still to listen for clues.

Newspaper columnist Marion Franck is the mother of a first-year graduate student and a college sophomore. She has worked with UC Davis students as a lecturer.

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