September 2006

Parent to parent: Perspective on roommate issues

By Mom Marion

My first college roommate split with me on moral grounds. Although we had gotten along famously the entire year, she decided she couldn't live with me anymore because I had become intimate with my boyfriend (not in the dorm room).

The pain I experienced from her rejection gave me the knowledge I share with you today: The relationship with a first roommate -- no matter what happens -- is significant.

For many UC Davis students, the adventure starts soon.

This year's freshmen look forward to one roommate, two roommates (in triples), or up to nine roommates (in suites), but no matter what the configuration, something important will happen this year.

Something important and unpredictable.

You want your child to have a good experience, but sometimes they learn more from the bad ones.

A few examples

"My roommate never brushed her teeth -- ever," says one college graduate. "I didn't know that some kids yell at their parents on the phone," says another.

"My roommate lied about being a nonsmoker," reports a third. After adding details about his roommate's estrangement from showers, this young adult remarked philosophically, "The first roommate is a good experience. It's your chance to learn that other people live very differently."

But some roommates have a lot in common. One young woman arrived with the same bedspread as her roommate. They looked at each other and proclaimed, "We're a good match!" They were.

A member of my extended family still calls her college roommate every Sunday. She's 87 and dials from her nursing home.

I tell these stories in an attempt to offer perspective to parents of first-year students who are rightly concerned that their children are about to be thrust into an intimate relationship with a stranger.

And although most roommate relationships begin with a honeymoon, stuff happens. As your child's longtime supporter, you are likely to hear when conflict emerges.

When that happens, ‘Don't call the Chancellor!’ jokes one staff member at Student Housing.

The ‘do's’ are less obvious

Combining what I learned from former students with advice from professional residential education staff, I offer these suggestions:

• Keep an open mind. Your child's roommate may have many piercings, but they don't show you what's inside. Give your child the opportunity to form a relationship unburdened by judgment from you.

• Be friendly to the roommate or roommates. Learn names and how to pronounce them correctly.
• Don't make changes to the room, such as bunking the beds, until all the roommates have arrived and been consulted.
• Take a moment to think about the roommate's situation. Does he belong to a minority group that gets bad press? Is her English halting? Is his computer broken? From your empathy comes wisdom that can help your child.
• Remember that Student Housing has a large staff and many procedures to assist new roommates. Your child will be encouraged to sign a roommate agreement that will help negotiate such minefields as, "Can I borrow your laptop?"
• Try to take the long view. To grow in college, your child needs the right combination of challenge and support. If parents rush in too quickly to solve roommate problems, students don't develop skills they will need later, especially the ability to negotiate with a life partner -- an area where we all need practice.

• Be the warmhearted assistant coach who listens and makes things better just by being there. Supply emotional support, but let your child develop a working relationship on his or her own. Of course, if personal safety or basic well-being is at risk, and your student doesn't take action, give yourself permission to consult with Student Housing.

My freshman roommate and I patched things up before graduation, and we're still good friends. Our conflict was a product of our youth, our era and our upbringing.

The right thing happened: We both changed and grew.

Editor's Note: Learn more about roommate workshops, resolving conflicts and transfers on the parents section of the Student Housing Web site.

Newspaper columnist Marion Franck is the mother of a graduate student and a college senior. A former lecturer at UC Davis, she is co-author, with UC Davis Associate Chancellor Sally Springer, of Admission Matters: What Students and Parents Need to Know About Getting Into College.

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