Parent to parent: Let students choose from menu

Have you ever gone to a restaurant with someone who insists that you order a certain dish, only to find yourself disappointed with the meal? If so, you'll know why I never push a menu choice on anyone.

Choosing college courses is infinitely more important than deciding on the fish or the lamb, but the same general rule applies: Suggest, don't demand.

Each class is a commitment. The students -- not us parents -- are the ones who must sit in the classroom, scribble the notes, do the homework, write the papers and take the tests.

It's their time and energy, and it's their grade point average that hangs in the balance. If they bear the primary responsibility for choosing their courses, then it's easier for them to accept the responsibility for doing the work that follows.

'Taking the long view'

My wife and I both charted our own paths through college, and we're letting our kids do the same. With our son at UC Davis, and with our recently graduated daughter, we have taken the long view -- talking to them about what they hope to get out of their education, and what types of studies would help get them there.

We have trusted them -- and the university -- to work out the specifics. College is as much about learning how to think and how to take responsibility as it is about gaining knowledge. We risk short-changing our kids in the thinking and responsibility departments if we hover too closely.

There are times when students go adrift and need a little more guidance. The classes they are taking may seem to bear no relation to their educational goals, or they may lose their enthusiasm for school.

Show interest

By all means, get involved. But start by showing interest, asking questions and sharing relevant advice from your own experience, not by telling them what to do.

One good way to stay on top of things is to read the course descriptions for your student's classes. The UC Davis General Catalog can be downloaded for free or purchased from the bookstore for $5.

Even if there isn't a problem, reviewing the course descriptions is a good way to stay involved. At the very least, it might help you keep the conversation alive next time you call to ask how school is going.

Like a cafeteria, college has many choices. Make sure they're getting a balanced diet, but let them decide whether to pick the broccoli or the green beans.