Parent to parent: The do’s and don’ts of the visit

By John Corrigan

Our daughter’s voice on the other end of the phone, halfway across the country at college, wasn’t encouraging.

Come out and visit if you must, she said, “but I won’t have much time to spend with you.”

Oh. Never mind that we had booked the flights. Never mind that we had booked the grandmother (to watch our youngest at home). And never mind that our daughter was the one who suggested the visit in the first place.

What’s a parent to do?

For starters, you’ve got to be as flexible as you can when planning The Visit.

Flexibility is key

In the routine-driven schedule of the grown-up world, it’s easy to forget the chaotic time continuum of the college years.

Sure, students have a class schedule to instill some order, and maybe part-time work or athletics as well. But there are many other things that can come up on the spur of the moment — extra class work, ad hoc study sessions, even a chance for an outing with their friends — that they will consider more urgent than spending time with the folks.

Our daughter had good reason to dissuade us from our recent visit: she had just gotten back from a summer abroad and, in addition to getting a late start in her classes, she was swamped with work for her graduate assistantship.

We considered scrubbing the trip, but we had already paid money to attend a conference on her campus, and those airline tickets were not refundable. Heck, we had even scored tickets to the football game.

It turned out to be a terrific visit, but that was partly because we were prepared to entertain ourselves. Here are some do’s and don’ts to consider when you plan your college visit:

Do’s and Don’ts

• Do be flexible on the date: If your son or daughter suggests another time would be better, take the hint — especially if the trip is easily rescheduled.
• Don’t expect round-the-clock attention. Your student will have things to do besides babysitting you. If you’re coming from a distance, there’s lots to see in the Davis and Sacramento areas — do some advance research.
• Do be prepared to take your student shopping for food, clothes or just something fun. We’ve learned from experience that this is always a big hit, and it’s at least one time on the visit that you won’t be seen as a burden.
• Don’t expect to stay with your student, or even to hang out in his or her space for long periods of time. This is especially true if your student has roommates; a parent invasion is the last thing anyone wants. And even if your son or daughter has his or her own place, it’s best to check first to make sure it’s OK to stay there.

It should go without saying that an unannounced visit is rarely welcome. Unless you know for certain that your son or daughter likes to be surprised this way, it’s best to respect his or her time — always call ahead.

Having trouble scheduling a visit? There’s always an alternative. Recently, we were trying to figure out a time to visit our son at Davis to celebrate his 21st birthday — and not get in the way of any plans he might be cooking up with friends.

He finally came up with the best solution: He’ll come back home instead.

Editor’s Note: For help on planning a visit to UC Davis, please see our Visiting Campus page. And don't miss out on all the opportunities to participate in the Centennial Fall Festival Oct. 10 to 15.