November 2002

Parent to parent: What about that bedroom?

By Mom Marion

My daughter is smiling broadly in every photo of freshman-year Thanksgiving, and it's not a wooden "photo smile." There she is with her arm on the shoulder of her aging grandpa. There she is in a crowd of 18 family members around the dinner table. There she is, supposedly sleeping, but that smile gives her away.

It doesn't, however, tell the whole story of her Thanksgiving vacation, which began in October as her father and I strangely metamorphosed from parents who wanted her to be an excellent student, to parents who wanted her to cut classes and come home early.

She cooperated, although her boyfriend was behind the decision more than we were.

Meanwhile, we readied the household. I — arguably the least artistic family member — made a welcome-home collage, which I hung on the closet door of her new room. I also bought flowers for the room, and I wonder now if maybe I did all this decorating because of something itching in the back of my head. While our daughter was gone, we had switched our children's rooms, putting her back in her former bedroom, and giving the larger one to her brother because he still lived at home.

We did this, even though, as a former teacher of freshman writing at UC Davis, I knew that students don't like to come home and find changes in their room. Every November I read numerous essays about Thanksgiving vacation, and although few students described their romantic difficulties (also common) or their parents' reactions to new piercings and tattoos, dozens wrote about what I came to think of as the Big Mistake.

Parents had reclaimed or altered the student's room, and the student didn't like it. If the room was needed for a sibling or a grandparent, the student tried to be understanding — but what about that new darkroom, mini-gym, clothing storage or cat box?

One student wrote, "I thought that was cold." Another said, "It's like your parents are excited to have you leave, so they can have the room back."

Students discover that their parents always knew their stay was temporary, just at the moment when the students want nothing to have changed.

"When you're sharing space in the dorm," explains Chelsea Robinette, a junior at UC Davis, "your room at home is your sanctuary."

The altered room, clear evidence that the parents consider the student to have moved on, also jars freshmen because, early in the school year, many don't feel they've got a good handle on their new life. Even what I viewed as an enlightened minor alteration, moving my daughter into her former room, went over badly, despite the collage and flowers.

And yet, I've hesitated to write about the Big Mistake in this newsletter. I hope it won't lead to dozens of parents tearing wallpaper off walls, moving furniture, and retraining the cat — only to encounter a smiling child who says, "Oh, I wouldn't have minded."

Even for families who leave the room the same, the eyes that come home to look at it are different. My daughter said the house looked small. The furniture was out of proportion. She stared at me as if something was a little wrong with my face.

Then came Thanksgiving, with a house full of guests and the smell of warm turkey, and she smiled all day.

Exams awaited her, papers were due, her boyfriend seemed a little different, the holiday was short, and the room, the house, and the mom looked funny.

Still, she smiled all day.

Newspaper columnist Marion Franck is the mother of a college junior and high-school senior. She has worked with UC Davis students as a lecturer.

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