November 2005

Parent to parent: Homesickness is common ailment

By Mom Marion

Most new college students don't call home and say, "I'm homesick," but the message seeps into a parent's heart anyway. I listened to my daughter talk of time alone in her room, of a roommate who already had a crowd of buddies, of meetings she went to that "weren't much fun."

I heard in her voice a longing for comfort, familiarity, a place where she could be herself. That was her old home and her old friends, who had scattered around the state and the country.

She felt alone.

Surrounded by thousands of other students, she was not really alone, of course, not in her living space, or in her homesickness. But not all students experience homesickness, which is part of the problem. Your student may look around and see others who make new friends quickly or already have friends from the same hometown.

A parent can help by telling the student that homesickness is normal, and that feelings of sadness can be expected any time in life when a person leaves friends or family. Remind your student that he or she didn't make all those good friends back home in a month.

Degrees of homesickness vary

I spoke with the mother of a freshman who telephones every evening and rushes home every weekend. Mom tries to be cheerful and positive, but the family has a lot going on because the parents recently separated. When Mom told me she was recommending that her daughter visit Counseling and Psychological Services on campus, I said it was probably a good idea.

Less severe homesickness can be alleviated by phone calls, care packages, letters, photos, e-mail, clippings from the local paper, even familiar knickknacks. My homesick daughter was 3,000 miles from me, but I gave her plane fare to visit a good friend who was closer.

If your child is homesick

Recognize that being homesick is a common ailment from which most students spontaneously recover. As they gain confidence managing their new lives, as they develop their inner resources, homesickness subsides. In fact, while home for the winter break, your student may hurt your feelings by saying, as my son did, that he can't wait to get back to his friends at school.

Living on your own for the first time isn't easy for anyone. Reassure your child that adjusting to big changes, even good ones, takes time.

Newspaper columnist Marion Franck is the mother of a second-year graduate student and a college junior. A former lecturer at UC Davis, she is co-author, with UC Davis Associate Chancellor Sally Springer, of Admission Matters: What Students and Parents Need to Know About Getting Into College.

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