Parent to parent: Talking about communication

Talking with our kids can be a challenge when they're still living at home. Add the separation of college to the mix — and the time crunch we all seem to be facing these days — and you've got the makings of an epic silence.

Nothing new here, of course. When I was away at college, weeks might go by without any calls home. Mobile phones and e-mail have made it easy to stay in touch, but they don't necessarily guarantee meaningful communication. For that, you'll need to work at it.

Conversation is a two-way street, but since we're the parents, a bit more of the responsibility falls to us. And when it comes to getting someone to open up, I've found the "How's school going?" line to be about as fruitful as "What's your sign?" The question is almost pro forma, so it shouldn't be a surprise when it elicits a tossed-off reply like "OK."

You'll have better luck sparking a genuine conversation by putting a little thought into your questions. Ask what kind of papers they're writing, or how they plan to tackle an upcoming project. Anything, really, that goes beyond the vague and open-ended.

News from home

You might also find yourself surprised by your son's or daughter's continuing interest in what's going on back home. We've usually found this out the hard way — when we've neglected to tell our kids some juicy tidbit from the neighborhood, or forgotten to relay news of a disturbance in the outer orbits of the familial solar system.

Even mundane changes, like a new store in town, can pique their interest, especially if they aren't making regular trips home. If you find yourself short of things to talk about, stock up on the local gossip and family news, so you too have something to bring to the table.

Many forms of communication

These days, I'd also broaden the idea of communication beyond the spoken and written word. With digital photos and video-sharing Web sites such as YouTube, you can ensure that your students see the goal a younger sister scored at a soccer game.

And don't forget the visceral appeal of the U.S. mail. Who doesn't like to get a surprise package in the mailbox? OK, it may be too much to suggest that anyone write an actual, handwritten letter of more than two sentences. But drop your student's favorite candy in an envelope, or a T-shirt, or maybe a copy of your hometown paper with a story on the high school's last football game.

Too little? Too much?

How frequent should your communication be? My wife's cousin, Susan Larsen, and her husband, Dennis, had both a son and a daughter at UC Davis in the early 1990s. At times, two weeks might go by without them hearing from Andrew and Kristen — and the Larsens lived in Davis.

"We figured, 'No news was good news,'" says Susan.

Indeed, we probably all know parents who hover a bit too close for comfort. Others may be too remote. Last year, we found ourselves in the latter category — not staying in as close a touch as we should have. Partly that's because we're busy, but mainly it's because we didn't work at it.

This year, we've tried to settle into a routine of twice-weekly calls — one initiated at our end, one from our son's. So far, we've found this to be a pretty good way to ensure we stay in touch.

The right formula for your family — and whether you even need a formula — depends on a lot of things, including what's happening at home and what's happening at school. But put a little effort into it, and I think you'll be pleased with the results.

And that reminds me — it's my turn to make a call.