December 2005

Up for discussion: Breakup blues

Emil Rodolfa is director of Counseling and Psychological Services. (Debbie Aldridge/UC Davis)

Breaking up is hard to do at any age, but perhaps especially so for college-age people. Typical young students are exploring who they are, what they are going to be and who they will be with, says Emil Rodolfa, director of UC Davis Counseling and Psychological Services. When a relationship ends at this time of uncertainty, anxiety may ensue. Rodolfa offers parents a few words of advice to help their student deal with the emotional fallout.

"People invest a lot of their self-esteem in a relationship; they want the partnership to work and often feel valued because someone else cares about them," Rodolfa says. "When it ends, that loss creates turmoil, especially for the person who's more invested."

While parents can't heal a broken heart, they can encourage their students to talk about the breakup in an effort to help them see the situation more realistically without discounting their feelings. Normal emotional reactions may include grief and anger as they move through hurt and rejection. They may also experience frustration and anxiety about the ability to be involved in future relationships. But if students withdraw from social life and let sadness lead to more debilitating depression, it may be time to seek counseling.

That help is available on a walk-in or appointment basis through CAPS. Depression, anxiety, academic concerns and relationship breakups are primary reasons why students seek counseling, and often these are interrelated categories, Rodolfa says.

"There is often a myth associated with relationships — that there is only one right person or soul mate," Rodolfa says. "If students think they are with that person, their emotions can be even more traumatized."

Rodolfa encourages communicating with your student and paying attention to signs that he or she may need additional help in coping with a breakup. Those indications include sleeping too much or too little, losing or gaining weight, drinking too much or missing classes.

And don't forget the power of a care package — sometimes the best medicine comes in the form of home-baked cookies.

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