December 2005

Parent to parent: When your student doesn’t call

By Mom Marion

If someone gave prizes to college students who don't call their parents very often, my son would be a contender. And if you think the easy solution is for me to call him, think again.

My son would never say that he doesn't like to talk to his parents, and I know he loves us dearly, but phone calls are like vegetables. If he isn't hungry, he doesn't want them.

When I call him, he tosses me a few scraps of information, including the fact that he's "fine," and then he signs off, saying that homework or friends are waiting. I never seem to call at a "good" time.

I am not alone in this problem.

My colleague Jane, whose son just started college, told me her tale of woe.

"I called him about a week after school started," she said, "but it was hard to get the conversation going. Finally, I asked, 'How's your roommate?'"

"Nice," was the answer.

"I realized I needed to ask a better question, something requiring a longer answer. The roommate is originally from Africa, so I said, 'Has he told you any interesting stories about Kenya?'"

"I could hear my son yell across the room, 'Hey, Mike, have you told me any interesting stories about Kenya?'"

My son turned back to the phone.

"No, Mom, we're too busy."

In some cases, change happens

When I checked in with Jane two months later, she and her son had found a way to communicate. "It works best to let him initiate," she reported. "He calls when walking between classes. He's real chatty then."

Another mother of a freshman told me that she complained, straight out, in an e-mail to her son. "I know you're getting my messages. You have to respond to me at some time. What's the deal?"

Next day, she got a sweet phone call, and she reports that since then he's been "pretty good."

My son, now a junior, still doesn't call often.

What experts say

Every book about parents and college students talks about the student's need to become an individual and to find his or her own way. It is particularly common for young males to establish distance from a doting mom.

Many students don't want to feel that their parents are judging their choices, particularly when they make mistakes, so they manage the amount of information they offer. They try to keep parents from feeling nervous or concerned. In some cases, they simply don't understand that the parents' interest in their daily life continues, even when they're living on their own.

A parent's demand for detail can feel intrusive and annoying, even though it isn't meant that way.

A few suggestions

Think about the quality of your communication with your college student, not the quantity. This might be called "emotional communication." Make sure your student knows that, if a crisis occurs, you're available to help. In the conversations you do have, try not to be judgmental, so that your student won't be afraid to come to you.

I tell my son that I'm proud of his independence, of all the new things he can do on his own. I try not to dwell on grades, career choice and lack of phone calls. I remain optimistic that we'll talk more some day.

In The Launching Years, Laura S. Kastner and Jennifer Wyatt point out that for healthy young adults, parents are present in spirit: "Why go out of their way to contact us, if we're already inside them?"

I live inside my son's heart in ways that I hope are encouraging and loving.

We don't have this communication thing worked out yet, but I plan to use the upcoming winter vacation as an opportunity to provide some non-verbal contact. From experience, I know he needs sleep and time with friends, but in between I'll give what I can.

Gifts. Food. Hugs.

Newspaper columnist Marion Franck is the mother of a second-year graduate student and a college junior. A former lecturer at UC Davis, she is co-author, with UC Davis Associate Chancellor Sally Springer, of Admission Matters: What Students and Parents Need to Know About Getting Into College.

Top of page

Return to previous page