Parent to parent: Homecoming with a difference

By Jeff Hudson

As parents, we send our sons and daughters to college hoping they will broaden their horizons and develop skills as well as personal connections that will stand them in good stead as young adults embarking on a career.

We also assume that somewhere along the way, they’ll meet a special person and fall in love — though I daresay that most parents hope that their kids will postpone the big decisions relating to a lifetime commitment until after they’ve completed their undergraduate educations.

These varying and not necessarily harmonious desires often come into play during the holiday season when, for a few weeks, our university students return to the family homestead as semi-independent adults, who understandably have their own agendas.

New plans

We’ve certainly been dealing with these issues at my house. Cupid’s arrow found my son’s heart last spring. My son and his girlfriend were pretty close to inseparable for the ensuing six months, at which point she left for an academic year of study in France.

Once she’d departed, my son asked me, “Dad, where do you go in Davis to buy the kind of nice stationery for, you know, hand-written letters?” For once, he stumped me. I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t shopped for that kind of stuff for years. But he found suitable paper and envelopes. He and his girlfriend have also chatted for countless hours via Skype this fall.

As November came around, my son made it clear that he wasn’t keen on flying to Indiana with his mom over Christmas to see Grandma and Grandpa Bates. And he indicated that his availability in Davis would be limited as well. He wants to be at the San Francisco airport when his girlfriend steps off the plane a few days before Dec. 25. He also wants to spend some time with his girlfriend’s family in the Bay Area, and he wants his girlfriend to spend some time at our house in Davis as well, before she flies back to France to resume her studies.

This is new territory for me as a parent. I’ve never planned the holiday gatherings with one of my kids requesting that a significant other be included in the equation.

A doctor’s advice

As fate would have it, during mid-November I bumped into my family’s former pediatrician, who saw both of my boys as patients from kindergarten through high school. Maybe 10 years older than I am, the pediatrician recently retired and his kids are now finished with college and leading independent lives.

“W-e-l-l, you do know that college students who are home for vacation don’t get up until noon, or even later than that,” he advised, as a warm-up. “They’re pretty tired by the time they get done with their finals. And college students like to stay up late. But you’ll probably be getting up at 6 a.m., like you usually do.”

I indicated that I’d experienced all of this during my son’s first two years at UC Davis.

“And you need to give college kids a bit of privacy, space and autonomy,” he recommended. “They’re not high school kids anymore.” In other words, you may or may not be able to convince them to come along for church early in the morning or attend all of the family gatherings.

“I think the main thing is for everyone to approach things with a bit of flexibility,” he concluded. “You wouldn’t want them to come home and make big demands on you,” he added, hinting that a reciprocal attitude from parents may be in order, too.

Point taken. We’ll see how well I can follow my doctor friend’s sage advice during the weeks ahead.